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Writer's pictureRosalind Carman

THE GOOD DIVORCE


Rosalind Carman, Psychotherapist

Amanda Glass, specialist divorce solicitor



It has been said that… 


 

“The difference between a good divorce and a bad divorce – is money”. 

 

This is true in many cases but there is often so much more to the whole process than that. A client said recently: “When he walked out, he took half of me with him”. And this is sadly the case for many divorcing men or women. Loss is at the heart of these situations regardless of how much money you may, or may not, have.  

 

For example, you might: 


  • experience loss of immediate financial support (e.g. financial gaps before interim/final divorce settlement, and/or 

  • have to re-learn practical matters (e.g. paying bills, personal admin) 


Many couples spend years together. When you believe a relationship is forever, you invest everything in it. Spending time growing together, raising a family, building trust, and laying the foundations of your life with your partner. There are shared memories and life experiences which create an unspoken bond, and over time, you behave as if you have become a unit. The single person you once were, becomes a blended version of both of you. This is particularly true of women or men who give up their careers to raise their children and take on the role of becoming everyone else’s support system.    

 

So, when a relationship breaks down and separation or divorce becomes a reality for whatever reason, the losses are great and hard to bear. 

 

For many people, the most difficult thing is often the loss of the family unit.  Where children are involved, this becomes a complex and difficult situation to navigate since one party may have no choice in the matter of custody arrangements.  Divorce is both a legal and emotional process and the way it will unfold depends on the parties involved. 


Amanda says: When considering a divorce and your finances do NOT take “professional” advice from friends and family. Keep them close for emotional support only.  It’s easy for people to say “my friend got divorced and ended up with…”. Each case turns on its individual facts. You must plan. Build your team early to include professional and wellness support. Find a good solicitor, financial adviser and accountant.  


In family law, the interests of the children are paramount. Always try and put them first when making contact arrangements and be sensitive to their needs. What you think is fair, may not work for them. Be flexible, as their needs change over time. The golden rule is: don’t set out a framework which you wouldn’t’ subject the family dog to! If you split  the dog’s time between households 50:50 to the minute, or handed him over to your ex-partner on a busy road, that is likely to be stressful and upsetting for your dog. So don’t subject your children to that either! 


If you can’t agree contact arrangements, see an experienced mediator who will be able to help you set out a time frame that works for you all as a family. You will always both be parents to your children, so you have to try and get along as best you can.


A Judge once said to a couple in court: “You don’t want your children to be in the same room as you and feel sick as a result of the palpable tension” Remember that you are the adults, and their wishes and feelings count.  


Divorce can have other impacts: one’s sense of self can be diminished. Until recently you shared your hopes and dreams with someone, and suddenly, it’s all gone. This is true particularly in cases where one’s perceived social standing is largely defined by your partner’s job or with shared longstanding friends. If they fall away, or take sides, it can leave you feeling isolated and confused.  Loss of future vision and therefore purpose, can also be difficult for people to come to terms with. 

 

Allow yourself to grieve for the relationship you once had, and this unexpected life crisis. Do not blame yourself or your partner. Take time to work through the emotions. Initially, there can be shock, and sometimes later, a physical manifestation which might be the onset of the menopause or other illnesses.  However, there are ways in which one can have a better divorce. Amanda’s advice would be:


BE KIND TO YOURSELF 

get strong/accept the help and love of your friends and family.  

 

CHILDREN  

Love/spoil them but try not to discuss the separation/divorce with them or make negative comments about your spouse/partner. Your children, even if adult, are not your friends or a shoulder to cry on.


MEDIATION  

Try it! Your mediator can help you resolve issues with finances and children and help protect your relationship from harm by helping you work together.  


BE DISCREET/DON’T DENIGRATE YOUR SPOUSE  

Try not to replay the hurt with those close to you, as each friend/family member will have a different opinion. This is YOUR journey and is unique to you. Once there is parental alienation it is hard to reverse, and may damage your children in the long term. 


DON’T DRAG IT OUT  

If you can, settle early/adjust if you can do so without undue hardship. It is better for there to be an early and fair settlement where it happens at a lower emotional and financial cost to you. It is invaluable to be able to say to your children “we have agreed”. Pick your battles, and leave the house contents and arguments over pets, out of it! 


BUILD YOUR TEAM  

If it “takes a village to raise a child”, it takes a team to have a good divorce. Consider nutrition, psychotherapy, beauty therapies and maybe even a divorce coach. There are no simple solutions but often taking small steps towards gaining some control can help.  

 

  • Inform yourself of your legal and financial position and find a good lawyer who can explain the process well.  

  • Try not to bottle things up. Speak to family and friends but be selective about how much you wish to disclose. It’s often better to find a therapist who can provide professional, neutral assistance, and support you through the process, while you rebuild the foundations of your life and gain a new perspective on the future. 

  • Don’t fall into the trap of self-anaesthetising because you will need all your energy and focus to move forward. 

  • Try to eat well, get plenty of sleep, and exercise.  

  • Prepare yourself for the stresses of divorce – you gain autonomy in your affairs but may have to compromise on issues which are painful, for example, custody, division of assets etc. 

  • Consider retraining in the event you might need to work again depending upon your financial outcome. 


These strategies, once put in place can help you to move towards an acceptance of your new situation, a re-building of self and self-confidence and becoming independent again. If possible, once the dust has settled, having a good working relationship with your ex-partner will show your children that you can be a grown-up despite the circumstances.  Eventually a new future emerges as well as a new you. Yes, it will be different, and an extreme test of your resilience, but if you put the right support systems in place and have the right advisors, it can be less painful and sometimes, surprisingly liberating. 


As Amanda reminds us: Divorce is never easy but living in the truth is always better then living a lie. The children will be affected by a sad family life but will thrive in a happy one.  


Don’t forget: Never let anyone dampen your sparkle 

 

Please feel free to contact Rosalind or Amanda with any questions.


Rosalind Carman is a Psychotherapist at The Blue Door Practice in Fitzroy Square, W1


Amanda Glass is a Partner in the Family team at www.dmhstallard.com.

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