LOVE IS BLIND

Rosalind Carman, Psychotherapist

I have noticed recently that there is increasing media and online discussion

about domestic abuse. It has made me think about such relationships. How

do they begin?

I believe that coercive control lies at the heart of this – often hiding in plain

sight. And it is all too easy to fall into the trap of believing all is well. When

really it is not.

As a psychotherapist, I am seeing an increasing number of clients with

relationship issues involving controlling behaviours of partners:

boyfriend/girlfriend, same sex couples, husband and wife.

We human beings are relational creatures. We actively seek connection

and friendship and more often than not, love. But what is Love? There are

many different forms of love necessary for us to grow in confidence and

develop a robust sense of self - from childhood to becoming an adult.

Love and being loved by someone - whether it is a parent, friend or partner,

validates us and makes us feel whole and happy. Healthy relationships are

ones where both parties can freely express themselves without fear of

retribution or being belittled, in a way that strengthens and deepens the

relationship.  In other words, there is no imbalance of power.

Sometimes unfortunately, our own vulnerabilities can get in the way of

seeing the true nature of the person who proclaims to love us. It is very

alluring to find the person who (you think) believes that you are perfect; and

it is very difficult to leave someone when you believe you have found the

perfect relationship – especially the idealised version you have invested in.

And that is the background to coercive control.

So, what is Coercive Control? 

Coercive control refers to an array of manipulative and harmful behaviours

that abusers routinely employ to deprive victims of their autonomy and self-

determination.

Common tactics include gaslighting, monitoring, stalking, isolation, financial

control, coercion of criminal activity, sexual, spiritual and physical abuse as

well as intimidation and threat. 

Here are some of the key psychological factors involved:

RED FLAGS

1.        LOVE BOMBING

Love bombing is a manipulative tactic used early in a relationship to

overwhelm someone with affection, attention and flattery - emotional

abuse disguised as intense romance. Excessive affection, showering

someone with messages, gifts and declarations of love enables the

relationship to move at an accelerated pace and is a way to build a

strong emotional bond, quickly gaining control over someone.

2.        ISOLATION

Perpetrators of coercive control often isolate their victim from friends,

family and support networks. They do this subtly under the pretext of

keeping their victim ‘safe’ or seeming to express concern about

them.  They often monitor their whereabouts and question them

about their social activities - to the point where the victim actively

avoids seeing family and friends. 

3.        GASLIGHTING

Gaslighting is another manipulative tactic in which the abuser denies,

distorts, or contradicts the victim’s reality or experiences.  Leaving

the ‘idealised’ person beginning to doubt themselves, falling into the

trap of becoming isolated, manipulated and controlled. 

4.        EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Emotional abuse involves insults, humiliation, degradation and

constant criticism. The abuser might also use guilt, shame or blame

to manipulate the victim, making them feel worthless or underserving

of love or respect.

5.        LOSING YOUR SENSE OF SELF

The gaslighting continues methodically and continuously over a long

period of time. The victim’s self-confidence diminishes, and they

become a shadow of their former self, leading to entrapment.

These behaviours are seen across any, and all demographics,

cultures and ages and can affect even those who think they are

immune to such things. However, it knows no boundaries. It is

important to recognise and understand these red flags and to

recognise unhealthy patterns, particularly when interacting with new

individuals.

Therapy is a very useful tool to help you identify initial signs, to work

through the effects of this type of behaviour and help in the process

of healing. 

Please feel free to contact Rosalind with any questions.

Rosalind Carman is a Psychotherapist at 37 Queen Anne Street W1G9JB

Email: roscarman@hotmail.co.uk