WORKING WITH LOSS AND GRIEF IN YOUNG ADULTS

Rosalind Carman, Psychotherapist

I have recently had several clients who have come to see me having lost their mothers. One in traumatic circumstances, the other through illness.

I have found the experience of sitting with these young women quite humbling as we talked together about their loss. I am a mother myself and I reflect on how it must seem to them – I am still here but their own mothers are not – do I become a temporary substitute? In many ways I think that is the point of the therapeutic relationship. To be the person that someone can turn to in times of unimaginable grief and find some comfort, or at least a space in which to make sense of the often illogical and intolerable injustice of death.

Reflecting on this, I considered how clients come to us seeking assistance in managing their pain. Although grief is an inevitable part of life, we as humans often do not want to engage with it. It is challenging, it changes us, and we do not want to change. We may seek measures to avoid it in terms of work, alcohol or drugs, but as Julia Samuel, MBE, in her wonderful talk which I recently listened to, on ‘The Paradox of Grief’ suggests - Grief is the cure. Pain is the agent of change, and we can adapt and grow through loss.

It might at this point also be worth considering Rogers’ notion of the ‘Actualising Tendency’ (Haugh, S. A Person-Centred Approach to Loss and Bereavement: Sage Publications 2011). The concept of the actualising tendency, as proposed by Rogers, underpins all aspects of person-centred theory and practice, including approaches to loss and bereavement. This innate human drive supports individuals in recognising and exploring the facets of themselves that contribute to their distress. Through trusting this movement towards health, it is possible to navigate the anguish brought on by grief and loss, ultimately fostering adaptation and personal growth.

I realise that one of the main difficulties for many young people who find themselves in this position, is that their mothers represent the map of their lives. The person who you just expect to be there. The person who knows you best, Some-one to turn to when you need support or advice. Someone who remembers when you were little and who loves you unconditionally. Without that person, the void is unimaginably deep.

For many, it is also when childhood abruptly ends. Perhaps supporting a grieving father, brother or sister and being catapulted into a world of navigating

life when not fully equipped for it. Sadness touches everything in the early weeks and months and yet, gradually, grief evolves over time. Adapting to an ongoing life process that ebbs and flows. Despite the sadness of the milestones ahead which will not be shared, memories become treasured, locked in time and eventually looked back on with fondness and often, humour. Love endures.

And so, as I sit with others helping them back onto a road where the map has unexpectedly changed their path’s direction, I reflect on my own existence. We are all part of the same human story. Whilst simultaneously acknowledging the fragility of our existence we must somehow come to terms with the fact that life goes on regardless. And yet, it seems to me that experiences of loss can bring a clarity to the world before us and the world beyond. We can grow through it.

I have found that working with these clients has drawn me into a more existential reflective space myself. It has enhanced my insight into the human condition and helped me reflect on my own personal loss—paradoxically enhancing my clinical work.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4PNNlGWq_Q

Please feel free to contact Rosalind with any questions.

Rosalind Carman is a Psychotherapist at 37 Queen Anne Street W1G9JB

Email: roscarman@hotmail.co.uk